It was twelve midnight, when Little John woke up on the of the skyscraping Tower Bridge, dangling from the barrier hoping not to fall into the ice cold water. He asked himself “What am i doing here” he woke up with a filthy and ripped shirt and stained and ragged shorts with stains. Suddenly there was a whisper saying ” I am behind you” then instantly Little John was pushed into the ice cold water by a man in black. It was pure blur under water, not a thing to be seen in sight. John was struggling to swim up because he was a terrible swimmer. almost out of breath but within seconds John managed to get his head above the water. But after he swam up he was there lurking above the water trying to get a look at who the person was. The man turned around with his cape faster than a cheetah and vanished into thin air. Will the Police find out who done it?.
But then, a shot went of BANG!. He was terrified, crying whilst swimming to shore. John was walking like some sort of insect was in his shorts and shaking his legs like he was trying to dance. Little John was shivering in the cold with a temerature up to -35 degrees. It was the worst day of John’s life.
John never knew where he was or what he was doing there. But a man walked by and said “You look cold lets go get you a towel” but the man didn’t look trust wervy. The man had yellow rotting teeth, thick green spots all over his face, a pair of shoes that had 8 holes in them and looked like he ran in a very muddy marathon, countless scars on his legs and hair falling out of his head as he speaks. So to sum it up into one word he is a monster. But John’s options were to sit in the freezing cold waiting for his death to await him or go with the monstrous man.
This was one of the toughest decisions John had had to make, Jack made his mind up he had chosen not go with the man. John decided to go around looking for someone to take him home such as the police. It took him over six hours to find someone, watching the sunrise,Tom was saying to himself “I should have just went with the man”although, John was never going to give up.
The man that pushed Little John into the water was hearing voices in his head. the man was going crazy he didn’t know what was happening then suddenly he screamed “AHHHHHHHHH!!”. It was starting to show that he couldn’t face the guilt anymore it was getting to the point when he had to commit suicide but he knew he had to hang on.
In the meanwhile, when John was walking, everyone John saw that everyone was wearing black. Little John always wanted to think on the bright side so he thought it might be international wear black day even though everyone was staring at him but a man just zoomed past him. John thought that a man was running after him because he could hear footsteps. He started picking up the speed with his walking until he heard a loud scream “AHHHHHHHHH!!!”. Then John started running for his life the chase was on.
But John was over reacting because it was actually swimming day and he was too scared to jump in so someone pushed him in and he was struggling to swim. John started running away because everyone was laughing at him.The reason why he was running so fast was because it was sports day also the event was a relay race.
THE END
BY MELVYN OBIKA
February 27, 2015 at 5:07 pm
Hi Mel,
Make sure that you leave a space after every comma.
Some of your sentences are a FAR too long, they must be broken up to make them shorter so that they make more sense.
OFF is the opposite of ON – OF tells us where something is from
I think the grotesque man who you have dragging John out of the water is a very effective shocking detail, as is the immediately striking setting of Tower Bridge.
You’ve chosen to write this in the third person, which is effective but I think the first person might have been better.
Overall a good start, use my comments to make some changes to unlock the badge.
March 23, 2015 at 10:14 am
Mel
You have not responded to my comments so I cannot award the Achievement. 🙁
May 18, 2015 at 12:31 pm
Mel,
Sentences like this:
“But a man walked by and said “You look cold lets go get you a towel” but the man didn’t look trust wervy because he didnt look normal, the man had yellow rotting teeth,thick green spots all over his face (also had a wrinkily face),a pair of shoes that had 8 holes in them and looked like it ran in a very muddy marathon,countles scars on his legs and hair falling out of his head as he speaks so to some it up into one word he is a monster but John’s options were to sit in stand in the freezing cold waiting for his death to await him or go with the monsterous man.”
are just FAR too long.
July 6, 2015 at 5:47 pm
im going to reaad throgh this and make some changes
July 9, 2015 at 4:37 pm
Much better with these changes, Mel. I was able to award “Perfect Paragraph”.